


Why won't you look at me?

by benway1996



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-30
Updated: 2019-06-30
Packaged: 2020-05-31 09:15:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19422985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/benway1996/pseuds/benway1996
Summary: “He felt like he was going out of his mind. No matter what he did or how much he tried, Callum could not get the thought of Ben out of his head. Ben hadn’t even glanced in Callum’s direction since he winked at him from across the market over two weeks ago. Callum didn’t know whether Ben was deliberately ignoring him or had just stopped noticing him, but either way it was really doing Callum’s head in.”





	Why won't you look at me?

**Author's Note:**

> A Benway/Ballum fic because I am obsessed <3

He felt like he was going out of his mind. No matter what he did or how much he tried, Callum could not get the thought of Ben out of his head. Ben hadn’t even glanced in Callum’s direction since he winked at him from across the market over two weeks ago. Callum didn’t know whether Ben was deliberately ignoring him or had just stopped noticing him, but either way it was really doing Callum’s head in.

“You alright, babe?” Whitney asked, pulling Callum from his daydream and back to the present.

“What d’ya mean?” he replied in a tone which Whitney noted as slightly too defensive.

“Well you’ve hardly spoken two words since we got here and I’m beginning to think that cup of coffee you’ve been staring into for the past ten minutes is having some kind of hypnotic effect.”

Callum let out a nervous laugh and turned to look at the girl sat next to him.

“Fine. Just tired I guess,” the man responded shifting his gaze back to the now cold coffee, noticing how tightly his hands were gripped around the mug. This was Callum’s permanent state now, tense and uncomfortable, acutely aware of the feeling that despite having everything he ever thought he wanted, he just felt numb.

Callum heard Whitney sigh and sensed her shift as she stood up from the corner-booth they had been sat at for the past half hour in the café.

“Right, well I’ve got to go and meet Tiff. I’ll see you after, drinks in the Vic at 6?” Whitney asked.

Callum could sense the exasperation in his fiancée’s voice and shifted up in the seat trying to muster the enthusiasm to reassure her that everything was normal.

“Sounds good! See you later babe, enjoy your day,” Callum uttered, forcing a smile onto his face. This seemed to pacify her slightly as her usual beaming grin returned to her face and she blew Callum a kiss as she turned to leave.

He kept the smile on his face until she disappeared from view before placing his head in his hands, the feeling of guilt returning to the pit of his stomach. Callum knew the longer this went on the worse it was going to get. The more time that passed, the more clueless he became about how on earth he would ever be able to break her heart with the truth. He had to keep maintaining the lie, he had to get Ben out of his head. He should be grateful that Ben seemed to have disappeared from his world the last two weeks. Instead, he was just growing more and more desperate for their eyes to meet again, even just for a second, and it was all he could think about.

-

Callum had relaxed slightly as he settled into work for the day. Jay was out on a home visit and had left Callum to finish some paperwork from the previous day. Although boring, Callum didn’t really mind, it allowed him to focus on something other than the thoughts normally spinning around in his head and it meant he didn’t have to speak to anyone, or so he thought.

“Where’s Jay?” the voice questioned coldly.

Callum didn’t even need to look up to know who it was. He hadn’t even heard him come in through the front door, sneaking up on Callum seemed to be a talent of Ben’s.

“Out with a customer,” Callum replied, hating how nervous he sounded.

Callum hadn’t looked up yet, his eyes fixed to the paper on the desk in front of him.

“When’s he back?” Ben questioned.

Callum glanced tentatively up at the boy stood in the doorway to the office, leaning up against the doorframe. Callum felt his eyes begin to sting when he realised Ben was looking straight past him, looking disinterested as his eyes flitted around the room, landing anywhere but on Callum.

“Dunno.”

Callum hated how pathetic he sounded.

Ben moved further into the room and slowly stalked around the edge with his hands in his pockets paying attention to the pictures on the walls and flicking through the documents that had been left out on the sideboard.

“I’ll wait.” Ben stated, sitting himself down in the armchair in the corner of the office, pulling out his phone keeping his eyes firmly fixed on the screen.

Callum didn’t respond and instead tried to continue with his work, trying to ignore the fact that he could feel the heat rising inside him, something he only ever felt when he was with Ben. Callum despised how Ben could do this to him without even as much as an exchange of glances.

They sat like this for a while, Callum peering up occasionally to observe the other boy clearly enthralled in whatever he was doing on his phone. Callum wondered who he was talking to, who was causing the smirk that momentarily passed across Ben’s face. Callum felt his own face flush red with jealousy and he unconsciously let out a sigh which caused Ben to lift his gaze in Callum’s direction.

“Is there a problem, Halfway?” Ben inquired placing emphasis on the nickname, Callum flinching at the harshness to his tone.

Callum looked up and their eyes met for this first time in weeks, the spark between them felt electric, at least from Callum’s perspective.

“Why won’t you look at me?” he stuttered.

“I’m looking at you right now aren’t I?” Ben retorted harshly, his eyes burning holes into the top of Callum’s head who had suddenly become even less sure of himself and had resorted to staring at his hands which were clutched together in his lap.

“I mean, why have you been ignoring me for weeks?” Callum pleaded, giving up on trying to hide the desperation in his voice.

“Oh I’m sorry Halfway, if I’m not mistaken that’s exactly what you wanted, was it not?” Ben’s voice was sharp and cutting.

Callum, becoming evermore flustered rose to his feet and began to head for the door.

“Forget it.” Callum muttered, under his breath.

Before he knew it, Ben had moved across the room and had positioned himself in the doorway once again, this time an outstretched arm on the frame blocking Callum’s exit.

Callum looked down to see Ben looking up at him, a slightly softer expression on his face. The taller boy noted how they were so close he could feel Ben’s breath against his jaw. It took everything he had not to close the small distance between them. They still hadn’t broken eye contact, but Ben was the first to do so and Callum saw a slight flush across his cheeks as he glanced down at the floor.

“It hurts to look at you,” Ben broke the silence that had fallen upon the room, “it hurts because I hate feeling like I’m out of control, whenever I see you you’re with her, she’s kissing you, touching you and I hate it.”

Callum was taken aback at the pain in Ben’s voice, all spite gone from his words and Callum felt his heart break a little. Callum hooked his finger under Ben’s chin raising his face to make him look at him and they stood in silence for a few moments.

“I’m so scared Ben,” Callum said in an almost whisper, the words catching in his throat.

“I know.” Ben replied softly, placing a hand on Callum’s cheek.

“You are all I can think about, I feel like I’m going mad,” Callum spoke almost pleadingly to the boy who had captured his heart, Callum’s eyes searched Ben’s face for a response and his hands had subconsciously found their way to Ben’s waist.

With that Ben moved his other hand so he had hold of each side of Callum’s face and pulled the taller man down towards him to place a soft kiss on his lips.

Callum’s grip tightened on Ben’s waist pulling him towards him. The kisses quickly became more desperate, mouths open and breathless moans escaping from them both.

Pausing for breath, Callum pulled back taking a second to look at the boy stood in front of him, such a soft look in his eyes.

“You’re so gorgeous,” Callum exclaimed quietly without thinking, letting his eyes wander across Ben’s face taking in all his features, rarely getting to see them up close.

A definite blush spread across Ben’s face and the boy let out a small laugh.

“Shut up,” Ben eventually replied with a shake of his head and averted his gaze down to his feet once again.

“Ben Mitchell gone shy? Never!” Callum teased cautiously, gently poking his partner in his side.

“I said, shut up,” muttered Ben, a smile spread across his face as he reached up to kiss Callum’s neck, his breath hot against Callum’s skin causing a small gasp to leave his mouth and eyes to close.

The pair were brought back down to earth with a text message to Callum’s phone, the message from Jay read:

*Be back in 10, want anything from the shop?*

“I should get going,” Ben stated, turning away from Callum.

Callum grabbed his arm, a bewildered look on his face, “Aren’t you going to wait to see Jay? I thought that’s the reason you came?”

Ben let out a laugh under his breath, never failing to be amazed at how clueless Callum was, “Doesn’t matter now, I’ll see him at the Vic later.”

Callum, remembering the earlier plans made with Whitney, began to panic thinking about the three of them being in the same room again.

“Didn’t I mention?” Ben asked, “I bumped into Whit earlier, she’s invited me, Jay and Ruby for drinks with you both later.”

Ben must have seen the flash of panic across Callum’s face because he reached out and squeezed Callum’s hand.

“I’ll be good Cal, don’t worry,” Ben said reassuringly, looking up at Callum through his dark eyelashes.

“Sorry for being such a mess,” Callum replied after a moment, still holding Ben’s hand, but now he was the one looking at the floor.

“You don’t have nothing to be sorry for,” Ben stated quietly, gently placing a kiss on Callum’s cheek.

It was Callum’s turn to blush now, he was always taken aback at how soft Ben was with him, he loved it.

Ben studied his face for a few seconds longer before turning to leave before Jay returned.

“See you later, lover-boy!” Ben called out as he left, a wide smile on his face.

Callum shook his head, laughing quietly to himself. He was completely fucked.

-

Whitney and Callum were the first from the group to arrive. Whitney had gone to the bar while Callum sat with his eyes rooted to the pub door, waiting for him to walk through.

It felt like forever, Jay and Ruby arrived soon after Whitney returned with the first round of drinks but there was still no sign of Ben. The group sat round, Callum couldn’t concentrate, the conversation from the other three nothing more than white noise in his ears.

Just as Callum had given up hope, convinced Ben must have had a better offer, the door opened and he walked through heading straight for the bar stealing a glance over at Callum before greeting Mick.

Ben took a seat at the end of the table, in the spare seat that was next to Callum and immediately involved himself in the conversation, effortlessly and with his usual cocky demeanour in full flow.

They talked for ages and had all finished countless drinks when the conversation turned to wedding plans and Callum felt Ben tense next to him. In a moment of bravery, Callum placed his hand on Ben’s thigh giving it a gentle squeeze and Ben relaxed slightly placing his arm casually along the back of Callum’s chair.

As the night drew to a close, Jay was deep in conversation with Mick and Billy at the bar and Whitney and Ruby were onto karaoke, paying no attention to Ben and Callum. Ben shifted slightly in his seat so that his leg was now touching Callum’s. To Ben’s surprise, Callum glanced up towards Whitney but leaned into the touch, they couldn’t get any closer together if they tried.

Ben turned his head towards Callum, his guard dropping for a minute. He whispered into Callum’s ear, the sensation sending sparks down Callum’s spine, “Please don’t shut me out again.”

Callum looked into Ben’s eyes, which were filled with genuine care and concern.

Callum glanced down and grabbed hold of Ben’s hand under the table.

“I couldn’t even if I wanted to,” Callum uttered quietly giving Ben a small smile. Despite being in a pub full of people, it felt like they were the only two in the room.

It was a mess, but for the first time in a long time Callum didn’t feel alone.


End file.
